The Pacifist At War with Herself

Im tired of busting a gut at work and barely surviving. Im tired of living a world that is mad in the head. Im tired of pretending to care about those things I don\rquote t care about. Im tired of people smoking cigarettes and throwing their butts on the ground and thinking it\rquote s okay to do this. Im tired of my lack of action in helping them see that this is not okay. But at least I\rquote m only tired. At least I\rquote m not dying. No, perhaps I should rephrase that. There is nothing wrong with dying. Everyone dies. Its written into our contracts. What I mean to say was - At least Im not being consciously, deliberately murdered by someone who does not know me from a bar of soap. (clue: The bar of soap is soapy. I am not.) Im not being bombed. Im not dying of a shrapnel wound. I havent been shot in the head by a border patrol. Im not dying of thirst and starvation Im not an orphan whose parents have just been blown up. For that Im grateful. Being grateful is sometimes enough to shake me out of my tiredness and into action again. At other times it\rquote s a surreal concept dancing around inside my head. Stop dancing, gratitude! Stand still so that I can wear you always. Tired of it all. Grateful. Tired. Great. (country) Full. (of) Dead. (brothers and sisters of you and me) (not happy john) Neriman