"And we now have Bitchy on the line. Come In........Bitchy!"

"Hello, this is Bitchy here, ringing in our final votes for the 45th Eurovision Song Contest".

Russia, Estonia, Ireland, Switzerland, Sweden, Germany, Macedonia, Romania, Austria - 0

Latvia - 10

Terry Wogan - 12

A Neurovision Virgin, are you? Prepare to be shocked, because never before in the history of television has there been a show so incredibly biased, so hideously turgid and so void of depth that it threatens to sniff the arse-end of A Current Affair. The whole idea behind Neurovision, which is held every year, is to showcase the songwriting talents of musicians from all around Europe. Each year, countries complete in set blocks (much like the World Cup), to gain one of 24 places in a competition broadcast to billions of Europhiles internationally.

Bizzare Eurovision Fact #1 Italian television (RAI) in 1974 broadcast the ESC with a delay of several days to avoid the Italian entry having any influence on the result of the national referendum on abortions. The title of the entry was "S“" (Yes).

This year, Ethnic Cleansing rose to new levels as songwriters mirrored current pop uber-commercialism, bleeding each entry of anything remotely ethnic, leaving behind a trail of flaccid sounds more reminiscent of S-Club 7 than anything remotely Mouskouri or Roussos. Shame Neurovision Shame!

Although contest rules state that the contest need only stimulate the production of new songs (with no mention of celebrating the individual characters of participating countries), it has long been accepted amongst Eurovision addicts that songs, no matter how god-awfully tragic, had a responsibility to reflect and celebrate ethnic heritage.

Most countries also sung their songs in English this year - another disappointment. At least whilst they were in other languages we could pretend that they were singing about something vaguely meaningful. Now we all know what they were really singing about - "We're trying to win by singing about universal themes of love....and unification of Germany....again....because we knew it won for the Germans a couple of years ago.....". Having said this, I take it all back in the case of Romania, whom I think would have been way better off sticking to bloody Romanian....we'd all have been better off.

Fortunately however, I am pleased to report that the rest of the stuff that makes Neurovision compulsive viewing was still packed into the live broadcast. Stuff such as.......

TERRY WOGAN

What can I say? He is THE MAN. Terry makes it all bearable with his acid-tongued remarks. After waiting for the usual fifteen minutes of cross-language introduction, it was Terry who interrupted with "Well, I think we may be approaching the beginning of the evening, but one couldn't completely be sure. The best entries are in the first half so if I were you I'd be planning a stiff drink at half-time. I'll certainly be having one."

MANDATORY UPLIFTING KEY CHANGE NEAR END OF SONG

You can guarantee that just when you thought a particular song couldn't get any more uplifting, any more impassioned than it already was, a mandatory key ascension will occur between third verse and last chorus. This happens with such complete regularity in Eurovision songs that I'm thinking of plotting my menstruation cycle from it.

OBLIGATORY 'BUZZ WORD OF THE YEAR' SONG

This year the word was, of course, 'Millenium", and it was left to Ireland, with their usual power balled about peace and love to deliver the goods. The song was called, you guessed it 'Millenium of Love' sung by one Eamon Hall, who did his best Johnny Logan impersonation. The song itself contained such memorable lines as "Our footprints lead a harvest for the children???" (which, as beloved Terry said, is a rather difficult concept to imagine).

OBSCURE INTRODUCTORY COUNTRY VIDEO CLIP Before each country performs, a short clip illustrating some aspect of that particular country is broadcast. (In previous years, this has meant a very naff little clip showing google-eyed band members pretending to have fun in the host country - very staged and very embarassing to the discerning viewer). This year however, the hosts - Sweden - decided to base the clips on what each particular country's relationship with Sweden was. For example, Switzerland was depicted by a swimmer doing a pool lap in a Swedish pool being timed by a Swiss clock - you get? Most obscure clip must be given to the Latvians though, for their relationship to the Sweden, which was depicted by a plate of pickled mushrooms.

Bizzare Eurovision Fact #2 When Israel dŽbuted in the contest in 1973, no risks whatsoever were taken, having the tragedy during the Munich Olympics the year before fresh in mind. It is claimed that the performer Ilanit had a bullet-proof vest under her dress when singing the Israeli entry.

BIASED VOTING

The juiciest part of Neurovision. Ever since its inception, neighbouring countries have swapped points with one another. Turkey always bombed because no one wanted to insult Greece, England and Ireland and Germany never gave each other high marks because they always considered each other the top competition, but would always give each other at least one point so that they could not be seen to be totally biased, Sweden, Switzerland, Norway and Iceland would always be generous with each other, as would all former USSR nations. (Officially, Eurovision says its because neighbouring countries understand one another's languages or that neighbours have similar musical cultures and therefore can appreciate their songs better). However, it is pretty much accepted in unofficial circles that the real reason voting is so screwy is that the whole thing is totally political and countries find Eurovision a perfectly childish way to give the finger.

AND NOW, TO THE ENTRIES....... This year's Eurovision kicked off with Israel, who although singing way out of tune, had enough of a certain off-key something to make me mentally chalk them up a point or two. (And I swear my friend Kirril Shields was the singer in the green jacket). Estonia, who was next, sucked totally, but of course scored high marks because the lead singer's pants sliced her up the cunt. The worst song of the night was next and of course it scored well, because, although Russian, it was sung in English, written by two Americans and had a 16 year old singer who obviously had no idea what she was actually singing about. But, I hear them chorus, "She looked great!" Germany were truly shocking, in gold sequined cowboy outfits doing a cross of white boy rap and the Spice Girls' "I've given you Everything". But the rip-off of the night must indeed go to the Swiss, who performed a complete take-off of Celine Dion's 'The Power of Love', made all the more shocking by the fact that The Great Horseface herself won for Switzerland at Eurovision in 1988. How transparent! Do the Swiss think we Neurophiles have no memory!

Bizzare Eurovision Fact #3 The English translation of this years Israeli entry - We Kid you Not! All day long I'm sitting in the kibbutz Another cigar and it feels a little sour All the time just depression and boredom If I won't finish, it will end up in a boom Oh oh happy... All day long wars on television And in Australia floods have begun again Here comes Sunday's depression I want, I want a cucumber Oh oh happy... And now I have a new friend from Damascus When I'm sad he sends me a red rose It is not a big deal to love only when you are in the mood I wanna do it with him the whole day long Ohh.. Happy!

Malta was excellent and their song should have won, except that the singer, though very attractive, was too fat (not in my judgement of course, but the collective media/dominant paradigms' that has kept the fat woman down all these years). If the Estonian woman had've sung it, they would have won first prize for sure.

For the first time ever, I can honestly say that Turkey had a really good song. Now, its at this point that I should put up my hand and admit complete bias towards Turkey due to my own background. Of course, every year I talk up their entry, only to fall flat on my face when they come out and strangle cats onstage. However, I am very pleased to announce that this year, Turkey's entry was fabulous; an incredibly good song, sung by a talented, passionate singer, Pinar, singing "Yorgunum Anla" - I'm Weary. The chorus and verses were interspersed with both Turkish and English, whilst the music itself was primarily Turkish with a Spanish twist. The entry did quite well and I am pleased to say that it was not just because all the Turkish migrants in England and Germany hogged the phone lines this year.

Having announced my bias, I redeem myself anyway by saying that Cyprus's (Greek) entry was also very good.

Croatia was up next, with the Wogan-esque introduction "Watch out for the elephant man" as a warning. Sure enough, half way thru proceedings, someone under a black sheet began some seriously bad interpretive dance. At the end of this number, Terry rejoined with "We have just been joined by the lunatic fringe....which is about to be confirmed by the Swedish entry."

And lunatic it was, with the Swedes doing a fully costumed American Indian number complete with head dress and tom toms (if anyone can make the ethnic connection, I'd like to know too), complete with fireworks and spiritual calls, singing "Let me be the native son".....

Next up came Denmark with "The Wings of Love", a soaring ballad which had Eurovision Winner written all over it even before it was officially announced the winner, sung by a couple of Kenny Rogers in a Willie Nelsony voice.

Latvia's Brainstorm were the real treat of the evening and are certain to be packing Eastern European nightclubs for the rest of the year with their gorgeously cute song, "My Star". The singer, who was a dead-ringer for an Eastern-Bloc Beck crossed with Jarvis Cocker, strutted and pouted his way around the stage like a true star. Marvellous stuff.

Brainstorm

Austria finished off the evening with a typically obtuse reference to their country's origins with a full Motown number by The Rounder Girls, which as Terry said, 'They certainly are".

So that was Neurovision for another year. I'll leave you with yet another aside from the Master, Mr Wogan, who brilliantly summed up the night's entertainment when he introduced yet another commercial piece of pap, this time from Switzerland, with

"And there's lots of armpits and pointing in this one too".

Till next time my Neurovision friends

Ciao, Iyi Yolculuklar and Goodbye.

- Neriman Kemal

Eurovision 2000 Discussion Group