You gotta love the new look The Bill. Never have the boys and girls in blue looked so good as they do on Aunty's revamped line-up of car chases, bombs, disputes, busts and murders.

What is it about this show that has people hooked - the primal urge for twice-weekly domination? Uniforms....mmmmm....

There's nothing I like better than cosying up on Saturday nights to watch The Bill. An hour with Sunhill's finest is never enough however and just when I think, oh god, a whole week without DC Skase and his hair gel, up it pops again like an extra steak knife - but wait, there's more! Tuesday comes around and it's toerag time before you know it.

I believe they call it The Bill because its one big Willy fest. Now that its turned all Soap Opera on us, with a focus on character rather than plot, producers are serving up plenty of perve material, with many shots of coppers running around, sticks flailing, ready to attack...... the ABC of Freud - or is that Freud's ABC?

The boys in the brains department ooze sex-appeal. There's DC Tom Proctor with the dopey eyes, DC Skase with the square jaw and by god, Yes!, I'd love to have a beer with Duncan. And I would be amiss not to mention the divine John Boulton, whom, despite his carrot top, short stature and funny cream pants has a certain sexual charisma I can't even begin to explain.

Mind you, the button mob aren't without their lookers either, with Eddie Santini more than making up for the combined efforts of PC Hollis, Garfield and Stamp in the physical attractiveness department. And who could forget brown-eyed Rosie Fox, whose scandalous love-gone-wrong relationship with Santini made for compulsive viewing. (***BOLD AND THE BITCHY EXCLUSIVE - watch out Eddie, Rosie's not as far away as you think......).

To the women of Sunhill, I'd like to say - You Rock. Kerry luv, you kick major arse! Go Girl. June, tired old suffering June, why don't you let loose one rainy pre-menstrual day and tell Brownlow to shove it up his 'tighter than a gnat's muff' arse. (Thank-u Burnside for that tasty slag-off - I've used it five times in conversation already and you wouldn't believe the positive response its gotten). Polly, tell those bloody writers to develop your social life - why aren't you ever out on a date with anyone? Is it because you're really gay and the producers aren't willing to 'go there' yet?

Finally, a few style tips for CID.

Would Frank's make-up artist stop masacring his eye-lashes? Sure it's a well known fact that blue-black mascara highlights blue eyes, but it also makes the legendary Burnside look like a camp old tart! And while I'm still in the Hair and Make-up Department - can someone please give Jim his old hair back. The Simon-LeBon my face is getting fat so I'll brush it onto my forehead number is just not good TV.

All in all though, the Big Willy makes Cops look good.

"You're Nicked!" With real handcuffs? Oh, Sergeant Boulton, Yes Please!

- Neriman Kemal

The Bill
ABC, Tues & Sat Nights, 8.30-9.30pm