I swear it started out innocently enough; a humourous little aside I'd drop at parties. You know the bit when you're getting to know someone and you're asked 'So, what bands do you like?' and you launch into this long list of favourites......well, I always got things rolling in a big way whenever I announced that I liked every single band starting with the word 'the'.

Bands like -

The Clouds, The Hummingbirds, The Lemonheads, The Church, The Smiths, The Cure, The Cruel Sea. The Beach Boys, The Go-Betweens, The Breeders and The Psychadelic Furs.

Well before you could say "Pretty in Pink" whomever I was talking to would be going, 'hey yeah', or, if they were stoned '..................hey, yeah man', and nodding their head and telling their mates this great observation and before you knew it everyone's brains'd be clocking on and ticking over, rifling through all the 'the' bands they knew, asking the questions that mattered, like "Were they the Sugar or Ice-cubes, did we really actually like The Lemonheads or was it just that Evan Dando was a big big spunk and who was that guy in The Stray Cats married to again?

Me? I just liked them. 'The' bands played great pop - catchy tunes with catchy lyrics. No life-changing insights. No groundbreaking new musical styles, just cynical lyrics by cynical guys and gals with nothing better to do than have a joke and a laugh and a bit of a dance. Lyrics like

She was in The Omen,
With Gregory Peck,
She got killed,
But what the heck

I-aye-aye-ee-aye-aye - I love Lee Remick.

or how about

I thought that if you had an acoustic guitar,
It meant that you were a protest singer,
I can laugh about it now,
But at the time it was terrible.

And who could forget

Everybody get ready and get into gear,
the Degrassi sensation,
the one and only,
Zit Remedy is here.
(If you know this one then you belong to a special club and I say - Welcome!)

See, I loved these bands and I soon found that having them in my life gave it new meaning. I started to base decisions on them. Just as the infamous DiceMan lived his life by the roll of a dice, I began to call life decisions on the yay or nay of a piece of fluff rock band.

Should I go to the club tonight?

Shyness is nice, but,
Shyness can stop you,
From doing all the things in life,
That you'd like to.

Yes I should. And so I'd go to the club and have a bloody brilliant time and I'd know that The Smiths KNEW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT, if you know what I mean.

My pseudo-psychic reliance with 'the' bands began to grow. Should I save my money and buy a house or should I be poor for the rest of my life but have cool hair?

Etc! etc! etc! etc!,
In the midst of life we are in debt etc.

And I got my hair dyed blue and I never looked back. And so here I was the other day, blue hair and all, relaxing, listening to The Pixies, when all of a sudden, an ugly thought crept up from out of nowhere.

Went down to Santa Fe where Renoir paints the walls.

Holy Shit!

Am I ever gonna see your face Again.

Its The Angels.

No way, get fucked, fuck off!!!

I tried to blot it out but it was too late.

I do not like The Angels. I have never liked The Angels. In fact, I HATE The Angels.

And all of a sudden it was as if the whole fabric of my existence began to fall apart as the name of every single bad 'the' band ever began to tumble out of the sky.

The Deltones, The Doobie Brothers, The Bangles, The Cult, The Meanies, The Screaming Jets, The Electric Prunes, The Ozark Mountain Daredevils, The Bloody Corrs!

And just as these crap bands came shitting down on me, all these names of other bands that I really really liked that DIDN'T have 'the' names started forcing themselves on my brain.

Fugazi, Supergrass, Cypress Hill, Blur, Luscious Jackson...

Why weren't these bands' controlling my reality?

Insane in the Membrane!

They were!

Caught by the Fuzz

How could they have known this!

And oh my god, I couldn't stand 'The Artist Formerly Known As' - but.....I loved Prince!!! My mind was spiralling out of control.

Hyperventilating, I reached for my oxygen mask, which I'd acquired shortly after being introduced to catchy riffs of The Prodigy's "Breathe", and tried to chill. But to no avail.

And then.....just as I was falling into a black death vortex, never to return, Frank Black's mocking tones managed to reach through the mental torture of it all

If man is 5 if man is 5 if man is 5,
then the devil is 6 then the devil is 6 then the devil is 6 and if the devil is 6,
then god is 7 then god is 7 then god is 7.

And for some unknown reason, it made me feel safe.

'The' End. - Neriman Kemal